I have just published a lens on Squidoo called Primary School Bullying. In it I have summarised what we learned about how to handle the school when you discover that your child is being targetted by bullies. The lens also has some links to other resources, including a website that I made a lot of use of: Kidscape.

However, I also wanted to tell parents about our personal experience as we tried to get help for our daughter who was being bullied by someone in her class, so I am publishing the diary I kept for some of the time. This is not an attempt to get sympathy and I hope that parents will benefit and take some comfort if they can see that there are others out there who have been through what they are going through. I know that handling a situation like this can be exhausting, distressing and can make you feel that you are turning into a different person.

The UK Government has done a lot to try to address the problem of bullying. There is now legislation that clearly defines bullying and harassment but this legislation ain’t worth a dime if it is not followed by those charged with the responsibility of keeping our children safe during school hours. All UK schools are required by law to have an Anti-Bullying Policy and all schools are required by law to implement it or it is not worth the value of the piece of paper it is written on. Sadly, not all schools are following the policy that they themselves wrote.

In March 2007 I started to keep a Diary. It was one of the hardest things I have ever done and there were many days when I cried as I wrote. My beautiful daughter, who was 10 at that time, was being bullied at school and it had been going on for two years. There were brief respites but no proper resolution. Revisiting this diary a year later, has also been a painful process and I wonder that I did not have a complete breakdown at the time.

Keeping a diary is one of the recommendations made by Kidscape. I visited this website many times as I researched our rights and started to develop a strategy to try to get the help and support that my daughter needed from her school. I also spoke to people manning the Kidscape telephone helpline on two occasions. Their support helped keep me sane on two particularly bad days.

I am not a violent person. Yes, I yell at the children at times and I am sure my next-door neighbours can hear it on occasion. I do not smack my children but they know what the boundaries are and what the consequences will be if they continually cross those boundaries. We do have a “naughty step” where they are sent for time out and privileges will be withdrawn if they push things too far. However, during the worst of times it was all I could do not to cross the playground and slap the chief protagonist around the face. That’s how far she pushed me. And as for the parents…. I am saying this because the situation had such a devastating effect on me as a person and my daughter was actually made ill by it. I came very close to sinking into depression. Anyone who has had a child who has been targeted by persistent bullying will probably identify with how I felt.

Before I started the diary I had sent TWENTY EIGHT emails and notes into school complaining about the actions of two girls who were targeting my daughter, including the setting up of a “We Hate H Club” – that’s how bad it got.

So this is my diary.

Monday 12th March 2007
Have finally decided to keep a log of everything that happens at school. This has been going on for 2 years and there seems to be no permanent resolution. Kidscape recommends that you keep a log of everything that happens, so that if you have to go to a higher authority than the school then you will have evidence that gives times and dates.

I need to go back a bit to explain what has been happening.

January 2005 - first signs of problems. H in Year 3. To my horror I find out that she has been involved in a group that has been bullying Boy J. H has been friends with J since nursery and I am devastated. It was dealt with at school and I was not even notified. I told the school that if ever H behaves in this way again then I want to be told. I only found out because H was writing a letter to J to say sorry and when I asked her what she was doing, she burst into tears and admitted that she had been involved in a group that was constantly taunting J. She said she hated herself for what she had done and was worried that she was turning into a very horrible person.

Over the next few days we had a few chats about not following what other people do when we know it is wrong and how you need to stand up for your friends. A couple of weeks after this I bumped into J’s Mum in a shop. I told her how we had found out what had happened and apologised saying that H knew that what she had done was wrong and she was truly sorry. The boy’s Mum told me that I was the only parent good enough to say anything let alone apologise. The others either avoided her or were in denial. Within months the boy left the school.

The subsequent consequences of my daughter standing up for people against the bullies were horrendous. Two girls in the class, P and C, were well known to be trouble when they were together. My daughter had always got on with them and so at the time I was blissfully unaware of all the things they had done to other girls, although I did hear that they were forbidden to play with each other at playtime for a few weeks and this is 7 year olds we are talking about! However, in January of 2005, when my daughter let it be known that she was no longer going to be dragged into anything that involved being horrible to someone else, these two girls turned on her.

At first it was pretty low level. Subtle exclusions when she asked if she could join in a game. Laughing at her nastily. But when it became clear that it was happening on a regular basis and she was being deliberately targeted, I raised it with the class teacher, the Mother of C claimed that her daughter was totally under the control of the other girl P. To think that at the time everyone assumed it was P! The behaviour started to follow a pattern. The minute it was obvious to the girls that their behaviour towards one girl was being monitored, they would then turn their attention to someone else. Only at this time, none of the mothers realised exactly what was going on because no one was telling anyone else in the playground before or after school about what was happening to their daughters. I got wind of it because my daughter was coming home and telling me.

The Class teacher was young and inexperienced. She tried to sort things out but was clearly out of her depth. The parents of the two main perpetrators were either in denial or each was blaming the other girl for leading their daughter on. In the meantime my bubbly, enthusiastic child was becoming quieter, more withdrawn, did not want to go to school and to make matters worse, taking it out on her younger sibling.

I got on with the Class teacher. I liked her. But the biggest mistake I made was continually expressing my concerns verbally and not in writing. Two years later I was having trouble convincing the new Head and H’s Class teacher that the bullying had gone on for 2 years because letters I had written were not on my daughter’s record. Thank goodness we found a letter that H had written in May 2005, that proved it had been going on at least from then.

At the end of Year 3, one of my daughter’s tormentors, P, left the school. Another child also left because of the bullying that she suffered at the hands of C and P. In Year 4, the assumption that P had always been the ring leader and that C was just a naïve follower was blown out of the water. Once P had gone, C showed her true colours and very quickly established herself as the lone Alpha female in the class. She set about wrecking friendships and making life difficult for girls in particular, if they did not do what she said.

Sometime during Year 4 I approached the father of C in the playground before school. We had spoken many times as we waited for our daughters and I said to him that H and C weren’t getting along too well. I said this sort of thing happens all the time and if C does not want to be friends with H anymore then fair enough, I had no problem with that. However, I did ask if that was the case would C please steer clear of H and H would do the same. The taunting and name calling got worse and C even said that she could do what she liked because her parents did not believe anything that anyone said about her.

The nastiness continued. Other children were badly affected. Birthday parties were a nightmare. The only time there was relief was at the weekends and during school holidays. I ended up praying for terms to end.

29th June 2006
Eventually the school agreed with me that they were completely out of their depth in trying to resolve things. C continued to rule the roost and make H’s life a misery. The next course of action was to contact the Local Education Authority and get help from advisers that work with various schools when problems like this happen. I agreed to allow them to refer H for help and was given a form to sign. The reason for referral was originally given as “friendship problems”. I asked for the phrase “due to emotional bullying” to be added and it was. We were told that H would be given priority and someone would visit the school before the end of term (mid-July). We were anxious to start the ball rolling as we were worried that H would find it extremely hard to go back to school after the summer break. No one came.

The final straw that Summer term was a birthday party, to which all the girls were invited. H said she was not going even though it was a girl she had been friends with since Nursery. This girl had become a frightened “acolyte” of C and would do whatever C told her to do, even to the extent of deliberately kicking H. The girl’s parents found out what was going on and were upset that H was not going to the party because of it. They said they would make sure H would be Ok but H still refused to go. The friend’s Dad went into the school and suggested that it was time that the adults took control of the playground. However, despite this everything carried on.

October 2006
Another birthday party, another huge upset. Boy H was too scared of C not to invite her to his party but at least he insisted that H be invited. They were the only two girls. C was furious and told H that she could not go. H stood up to her and said she was definitely going. C then told H that Boy H did not want her to go and the only reason she was invited was because his Mum had insisted. It was horrible and H came home in tears saying she wasn’t going. We spent a long time that evening trying to help her understand that the best way to make a point to C that she was not going to be controlled by her was to go to the party.

It was at a swimming pool and we had an agreement with Boy H’s Mum that she would not leave H alone with C in the changing room. My husband arranged that he would go along to keep an eye on H. He kept his distance, sitting in the coffee lounge, but he could see all of the pool quite clearly. It was a miserable party. C spent most of the time in tears and because Boy H is so nice, he was very disturbed by it and spent the whole party trying to make C feel OK. Which is exactly what she had set out to do. I’m glad I was not there. H came home and cried and cried – this was a very low time for her.

It was at this point that I did more research into bullying and harassment. I learned that the definition of harassment is now set out in UK law. I also learned that any bullying or harassment that happens outside of school as a result of actions in school are also the school’s responsibility. I started using the phrase “harassment” as well as “bullying” in my letters and emails to the school.

November 2006

Four months after the “urgent” referral, the extra help finally arrived to do an initial assessment on 06th November! There followed six sessions, starting later in the month, the first and sixth with H on her own and the other four were intended to be group activities involving the group of children who had either been directly involved or who had been affected. This included H and C.

C’s parents refused to allow her to attend the sessions and work with the Group. The school said there was nothing they could do. So as far as I could see the whole thing ended up focussing on what H and the “Bystanders” could do to cope with C’s behaviour, which was obviously not going to be modified.

Some of the coping strategies suggested made common sense and a lot of work was done to build up the children’s confidence and encourage them to be politely assertive. H definitely benefited from the extra support.

However, during our meetings with the Support Worker and the Class teacher, I expressed my concern at some of the terminology that was used, which seem to infer that it was H who had a problem and not C. I also expressed in no uncertain terms my thoughts regarding the child’s parents, who were aggressive and uncooperative throughout the whole process of trying to sort everything out.

The Class teacher, while being genuinely concerned and who was trying to be supportive, seemed to want to try to get to a stage where the girls would be friends again. We insisted that this is something H definitely did not want and neither did we. We said we are happy to try to get to a stage where being in the same class or playground is not a problem, but there is no way we would encourage our daughter to actively seek out the company of C. I also expressed concerns about what was making C behave like this and said that everyone was aware of what her parents were like. The Class teacher and Support Worker were visibly uncomfortable when I said this and they said nothing.

I have never been able to work out why if a child is bullied in the playground or upset because someone has behaved badly, they are told they can go in. Why is the badly behaved child not removed from the situation? It happened in PE one day. C reduced Boy H to tears and he was removed from the lesson. Why was C not sent out?

So two years of hell, which brings us to…..

January 2007

H had two weeks off school due to severe stomach pains. She had no appetite and was extremely lethargic. She saw the Doctor on 23, 29 and 31 January and was diagnosed as having a virus – that “catch all” when the Doctors know it is not serious but they don’t know what it is.

Eventually H returned to school on 05 February. Her friend B, who by then was under the influence of C, rushed up to her before school with an invitation to her birthday party the following weekend. The idea of a party had been hi-jacked by C (whose own Birthday had been a couple of months earlier) and it was going to be a joint party, to which the whole class was invited.

When H read the invitation and saw it was from C as well as B, she burst into tears. She said to me that she would not go but was upset at the thought of everyone else going. However, by the evening she had become very comfortable with the decision she had made and I think it made her feel stronger.

After the party we found out that only half the class had actually attended the party, so H was not the only child who was not there.

February 2007

The Half Term break was after the party and the day they went back H was approached in the playground by Boy H, who had always been one of her closest friends since nursery. C had done everything she could to break up H and Boy H and was always “taking him away”. This had actually caused a lot of problems for Boy H, who found it very hard to stand up to C and he had a lot of anxiety about the situation. He could see that what was happening to H was wrong but displayed the classic “Bystander” behaviour and felt there was nothing he could do.

Boy H told my daughter that C wanted to make up with her and could they be friends again. I wondered at the significance of C conveying the message through Boy H. My daughter agreed to be friends again and they went and told their teacher. When I went to meet H from school I remember feeling extremely uncomfortable about it when both she and C rushed out to tell me. That night when I told my husband I said I wondered how long it would last and the next morning when I saw the Class teacher who was all pleased that the girls had made up, I felt she was foolish to be so chirpy about it. She clearly did not know what C was capable of and although I said nothing, I did not feel at all optimistic.

H was a lot happier for a few days. The atmosphere was better in the playground. This was probably because their classmates, particularly the girls, did not feel they had to choose between C and my daughter. Also they need not feel guilty when they could see H being excluded.

Then it happened – H told me that C had started “being bossy” again. The next day H went running out into the playground and asked if she could play and C’s response was: “I think I want a break from playing with you for awhile” leaving my daughter feeling she had no one to play with.

These girls were just 10 years old! To witness this sort of manipulation and humiliation at the hands of someone so young is something I will never get used to. For some reason my daughter did not tell the Class teacher. By this time, she had started to feel there was no point. Then for the rest of the afternoon C was badgering her by constantly saying: “Are we still friends?”

I found out about it all when I collected H from school. H was very distressed, saying that C was doing her head in but she did not want to tell her to get lost because she did not want to upset her! By this time I must admit it was all doing my head in too. I tried to see the Head but she was unavailable. The next morning I took H in to see her Class teacher. The Head had told her that I had tried to see her and I got the distinct impression that the Class teacher was irritated by this as she said I had no need to go to the Head and that all I needed to do was speak to her. My thought on that was that she had inherited this problem, she had been trying to sort it out for 6 months and had made no progress so at what point exactly do you involve the Head! Don’t get me wrong. I like the Teacher. She is a good Teacher but at the end of the day my daughter was still suffering emotional bullying and had been for two awful years.

The Class teacher agreed that C pestering H and constantly seeking reassurance that everything was OK must be difficult to cope with and that she would deal with it. H was very distressed about the whole situation but still she was worried about upsetting C.

The Class teacher’s way of trying to resolve it was to hold a “Special Circle Time”. Not all the class took part, only those children directly affected by what was going on. The Kidscape website has nothing good to say about Circle Time. Imagine it – everyone sits in a circle and is invited to say how they feel about what is happening. The children who are targeted, assuming they have the courage to say anything, tell everyone about how bad the bullying makes them feel. And the Bully? Wow, what a thrill they must get.

However, during this Circle Time it was the other children who pitched in about how bossy and controlling C can be. So this was one of the few occasions when I felt that perhaps it may do some good. You would have thought that this may have encouraged C to start modifying her behaviour. No chance. Why modify your behaviour when your parents have made it quite clear to the school that the school is victimising their child and that my child is making it all up? An attitude they had when their older child was at the school and causing problems.

I did ask the Head if notes were made about “Circle Times” along the lines of: reasons for calling circle time; issues raised; agreements made; and were these notes consulted prior to the next meeting? I was told no. Never did find out why.

This brings us up to the time when I started writing as things happened.

Monday 12th March 2007
Walking to school H complained about stomach pains. The colour was draining from her face as we walked and her lips went grey. She was clearly unwell and in a lot of discomfort. I took her home.

Wednesday 14th March
No improvement. Took H to the Doctor. Her tummy was very tender. She had no appetite, was tired and feeling sick. The Doctor said it was nothing serious – probably a tummy bug.

Friday 16th March
9.30 – went back to the Doctor. Pain worse. Still feeling sick and not eating properly. I was worried about appendicitis and by this time so was the Doctor, who sent us to hospital. They said it was not appendicitis, but a urinary infection. Antibiotics were given and we were told to call the Doctor for test results a few days later. There was no improvement over the weekend.

Monday 19th March
Went back to Doctor as no improvement. Gave another urine sample. Antibiotics changed.

Wednesday 21st March
Doctor called. Tests clear, NOT urinary infection! Tummy still sore.

Monday 26th March
Blood test. Not nice, but H was very brave.

Tuesday 27th March
Saw one of the Senior partners in the Practice, who diagnosed Irritable Bowel Syndrome (IBS) and said that all the stress at school was definitely a contributory factor!

Thursday 29th March
Saw another Doctor as other one not available, to get the results of the blood tests. All OK and this Doctor confirmed that he agreed with the diagnosis of IBS.

During these final days of term we notified the Class teacher of the diagnosis and made it clear that we believed and so did the Doctors that this is stress related and a direct result of the bullying. I also spoke to the Head about the incident that occurred just before H became unwell and got the distinct impression that this was the first she had heard about what was going on. She was a relatively new Head of the school and had not been there since Year 2 when it all started up.

Easter Holidays
H recovered completely within a few days of term ending. However, she had a total of six weeks off (in a twelve week term), was unable to finish a test paper and we were starting to worry about her work being seriously affected. H is extremely bright but she was not progressing as well in one subject and we were sure her lack of confidence was not helping.

Friday 13th April
H is becoming very anxious about returning to school next week.

Sunday 15th April
H is adamant that she is not going back to school.

Monday 16th April
Sent letter in to school asking to see Head first thing next day, when children due to return.

Tuesday 17th April
Had a 9am appointment with the Head and H and my husband. H spoke to the Head about how she felt and that she was worried that the bullying would start again. I got the distinct impression that the Head did not agree with H using the word “bullying” as she commented we had to be careful about using such a strong word. It was at this point that alarm bells started ringing in my head but for the moment the priority had to be to get H back into the classroom.

H was also very anxious that she would not have anyone to play with at break and the Head assured her that they would make sure that she was not on her own. H agreed that if anything happened in the playground that she would tell whoever was on duty. The Head promised that all staff would be told that everything that happens MUST be reported to the Class teacher so that she is aware of exactly what is going on. On our part we suspected that there was no “joined up thinking” as far as incidents in the playground were concerned. They were dealt with by whoever was on duty and that was that, so the Class teacher did not have a clue about half of what was happening and to be fair to her, she can’t deal with anything unless she knows it has happened.

H became very distressed when the Head said she would take her down to the classroom and said what was the point as her teacher does nothing to help. I think what my very tearful 10 year old was trying to say was that nothing the Teacher does seems to help – which is slightly different. The Head got a bit brusque and defensive about this and disagreed with her. H then refused to leave the office. Her Class teacher came to talk to her while we went into another office. I told the Head that this all has to stop NOW. Two years of this was too long. We agreed that the school would contact an external support group for help and we ended up leaving without saying goodbye to H as by this time I was in tears.

The Class teacher called me at lunchtime. H had not wanted to go out at the mid morning break and did not want anyone with her. The teacher organised one of H’s friends to stay in the class to “do a job” and by the end of break the two girls were chatting. H went out at lunchtime and as they day went on she contributed more in class. I saw the Teacher at the end of school and H was a lot more settled.

When we got home H told me that during one lesson she is expected to sit at the same table as C because they are of similar ability. This is the first I have heard of this and I was dumbfounded after everything that has gone on. During the lesson the Teacher asked each table to split into two groups of three and two of the girls said they would go with H but C pressured them to work with her, which they caved into. Afterwards both the other girls were bothered by what had happened. They felt they were being manipulated and controlled. They tried to speak to the Class teacher, but said she would not listen.

H also told me that when other people are discussing things during the lesson, C constantly interrupts them or sits looking bored and uninterested, huffing and puffing.

If this had been an isolated incident then there probably would not have been too much to worry about – but in the circumstances I was pretty fed up with it all and tearing my hair out wondering exactly when someone was going to take this matter seriously.

I did ask why H was expected to work in a group with C as it places her in a vulnerable position. I was told there was nowhere else for her to sit. They were of the same ability and that was that.

My feeling that actually nowhere on the school premises was safe for my daughter was growing. Not only were there frequent incidents in the playground but C was getting bolder and getting away with it in the classroom as well.

Wednesday 18th April
Lunchtime – H was on her own for awhile and the lovely N seeks her out along with S and B, who say that they will play with her. It’s all very jokey and N is giggling with B (who is still being controlled most of the time by C) and saying: “You WILL play with H”. C approaches looking extremely cross and told N to stop forcing B to play with H. N was furious and had a go about how C is one to talk as she is the one who is always forcing people. By this time quite a crowd had gathered and C went off in a huff and muttering. Interestingly though not everyone followed and some of the girls plus Boy H stayed with H. They all had a good moan about what C can be like and for the first time H felt supported.

After school I saw at first hand what C can be like and the little games she plays to get attention and control people. Boys and girls had stayed behind to play a sport. They had been split up into groups of 5. H was with Boy H (one of her best friends, who C was constantly trying to boss around and take away from H) and three others. C had taken herself off and was not joining in but she kept on interrupting and interfering in H’s group, telling them what to do, particularly Boy H. In the end H told C to go away. H went and complained to the Teacher who just nodded his head and did nothing.

Boy H’s Mum said the only reason why C was staying for the after school sessions was because she did not want Boy H to be doing anything with H and I could see her point. She also said C would give up going to the sessions after a couple of weeks as she wasn’t interested in the sport anyway and that is exactly what happened.

Thursday 19th April
Walking to school we saw N ahead with her younger sister and C on the other side of the road. At the crossing C rushed up to N and made a big thing of greeting N and took her sister’s hand. H was resentful and said: “Look at C. Trying to make up with N.” I told H not to bother about it and not to worry. When we got to school a lot of the children made a point of coming up to H to say hello but H wanted to stay with me until the bell went. She says she keeps waking up at night. She woke really early this morning and climbed into bed with me. She has had pains in her chest on and off since Tuesday and struggled during her swimming lesson. She is also complaining of tummy pains again. Last night she was feeling sick.

I left a letter for the Head summarising what we thought had been agreed at Tuesday’s meeting. Also told her about two incidents where H had not felt listened to. I pointed out that we all agree that if problems are to be resolved H needs to tell her teacher. However, if H does tell the teacher and then feels not listened to, then she will feel there is no point raising anything. I asked to see the Head again. I got a very fast response from the Secretary to arrange an appointment but was told that the Head would not be available for a week! I understand she was busy sorting out next year’s budgets. I was also told by the class teacher that she would not be able to see me until she returned from the school trip, two weeks later.

H was due to go on the trip – we were getting worried about how she would cope and she wasn’t sure if she wanted to go.

Friday 20th April
Dad took H to school in the morning. C rushed up to her (I don’t think she would have done it if I had been there) saying: “Guess who’s coming to visit.” Oh joy, it was P, the other Alpha female who had left. H was cross that C had approached her as she wants nothing to do with her and she was even more cross with Daddy for not telling the girl to go away.

H had S to tea and they had a great time. Someone from another class but they get on brilliantly. Happiest I have seen her for ages.

Sunday 22nd April
Good weekend. All the family here but when she went to bed H was complaining of tummy pains again and feeling sick.

Monday 23rd April
Symptoms no better. H looking pale and tired. And here’s the dilemma. She is clearly unwell but if she does not go to school then we may have even more trouble getting her there when she feels better.

Saw the teacher and she agreed to call me and let me know how H is at break. Secretary phoned at 10.15, H no better so I went and collected her. Took her straight to the Doctor. Wished I’d waited until normal Doctor available later that day. He diagnosed a “tummy bug”.

Had left a message for the Head to call me. She did not.

Tuesday 24th April
H still in pain. Also becoming very anxious about the trip and worried about not being safe from C. Went into school and asked if we could see Head sooner than appointment arranged for Friday as we have concerns about trip. Was offered an earlier time but as luck would have it could not do it as my husband had an appointment he could not change. Had got to the stage where I wanted him at all appointments. Could not trust myself not to get upset and he is better at being assertive when I get like that. Also, I think when both parents go in it is giving the message to the school that we consider it serious.

Spoke to usual Doctor on the phone and she agreed that all the physical symptoms are more to do with the problems at school rather than a “bug”. The Doctor expressed concern that H is starting to develop “learned helplessness” if she feels not listened to. Doctor is going to do a formal letter to the school expressing concern.

1.15 pm – meeting with Deputy Head as I could not see Head before Friday. I raised the issues about H not feeling listened to and told her about incidents where she had spoken to staff and they had done nothing. It turned out that contrary to what was agreed with the Head at the beginning of term, one part time member of staff had NOT been briefed about the ongoing situation, for which she apologised. I said all this does is increase H’s anxieties. Even if they feel she is being over sensitive (and I must say, with everything that has happened to her, I think my daughter has every right to be upset and want the adults to put a stop to it), she has to feel listened to. They keep saying they can’t do anything unless they are told what is happening and then when she tells them they do nothing.

I insisted that C be told to stay away from H. I also said that our immediate concern was the trip but I would raise other issues with Head on Friday. I was told in confidence who would be in charge of H’s group and it came as a relief as I knew H would be happy. We then called H into the meeting and I said we would have to trust the school as to whose group she was in and who she would be rooming with and she left the meeting a lot happier about things. Even so that evening she was unhappy about going in to school the next day and she said when I put her to bed: “The less they do the more she gets away with.” Quite a profound statement for a 10 year old.

Wednesday 25 April
H not happy about going to school, looks on the verge of tears all the time. When we got there we chatted to a few of the girls and N did a lot to try and cheer H up. H was dreading having a staff member who often tries to get everyone to be friends.

On coming out of school H said that her day was “alright” but is fed up because C keeps trying to be nice to her and H says she told C to leave her alone. They had someone in who was talking about bullying and H spoke up and said how sometimes she does not want to go to school. At which C interrupted saying that she felt sick before she went to school in the mornings. H was convinced that C was trying to make the lady think that she was being bullied. H says C will say anything to get the focus on to her, particularly if people are listening to H.

At dinner that night H told us that C kept on going up to her and the two friends she was with from another class to tell them what she had found in the playground. We told H that it is OK to say to C “C, please go away” providing she does it politely but I don’t know if she will ever be able to pluck up the courage.

Her confidence and self esteem are at an all time low. It is only her new friendship with S and P, from another class, that seems to be keeping her going.

Thursday 26th April
H woke up early again and came into bed with me. She complains she keeps waking up in the night and then going back to sleep. On the way to school she is a bit subdued but OK. Have noticed that for months now she wont go and talk to her friends, even when C is not there. C arrives making a big fuss about the fact that she has had her hair cut short, running up to everyone as they arrive. She “intercepts” N, who has been fantastic since the beginning of term, trying to help H. Much of that is also due to her Mum, who is appalled by what is going on. Mum also confided in me that she worries that N might be the next target. Why is it always the nice girls who end up being targeted?

H feels that C is trying to deliberately intercept N away from her. I told her not to worry – as soon as N sees her she will come over to say hello and that is exactly what happened.

She had a good day with a replacement teacher she really likes and is now looking forward to the trip. However, just found out there was another situation in a lesson when N + another girl wanted to work with H and they were pressured by C to work with her.

Tomorrow we have the meeting with the Head. I drew up a list of issues to raise – they filled an A5 page!

Friday 27th April
H awake early again and complaining of nightmares, one that she is friends with C. However, in good spirits walking to school. When we get there she is chatting very easily with friends including Boy H, who has found it hard to try and maintain his friendship with H because of the control that C has over him. As soon as C arrives he leaves the group to be with her. H notices and I know it upsets her. She is OK going in to school and I have noticed she is happier going into the playground if she arrives before C so make a mental note to get to school just a few minutes earlier in the mornings.

Meeting with Head and Class teacher. Told her the school’s own anti-bullying policy was not being followed. Said that it was difficult for H to achieve some targets set to help improve the situation if school’s own policies are not being followed. We were extremely cross when counselling was suggested to help H. We are not against counselling but we made it clear that we felt the resolution was to be found by making C change her behaviour rather than expecting H to be the one to adapt. We protested that we are having to help H as the result of the bad behaviour of another child and that the behaviour was not being modified. Once again we said we wanted C to be told to stay away from H and I fail to understand what is so difficult about that.

We discussed the anti-bullying policy and how it had not been implemented after the last incident. If a child is bullied the Head has to be informed and we have to assume that in this case she was not as the Head did not speak to either child, as set down in the policy.

I then showed them the amount of emails (28!) that had been exchanged between myself and the school before the Head and current Class Teacher took over. They both looked surprised, which got me wondering about exactly how much they knew about the situation when they inherited it.

Over the next couple of days I spoke to S’s Mum about the whole mess and she confided to me that S had been bullied by C when they were in the lower school. The school would not believe them and suggested that S was attention seeking and asking if there was problems at home!

Monday 30th April to Friday 04th May
On the whole H had a great time on the school trip. She was in a room with N and two other girls that she gets on with very well. For awhile one of these girls was very friendly with C (she has a new best friend every week) but eventually pulled away because she was so controlling.

However, there were several incidents on the trip. C kept on coming into their room, despite the fact that they were all told not to go in other people’s rooms. The girls complained and C was “told off a bit but she kept doing it”. C also kept putting notes under their door. H got homesick and tearful on the last night. This may have been due to the fact that C started spreading a rumour that H had a mobile phone on her, which was expressly forbidden. None of the adults did anything when they were told and “spreading rumours” is accepted by all authorities as being a bullying tactic. H was very upset that C was not even taken to task about this and I do not understand why C was not asked to explain why she did it.

At mealtimes C kept telling everyone where to sit and H was left on her own some of the time. On one occasion H was sitting with Boy H and two others. C came over and told Boy H to hurry up and finish his meal as she wanted to sit there and that is what happened.

Monday 7th May – Bank Holiday, no school
Looks like H has tonsillitis. Class teacher phoned to say that the weekly activity that I normally help with on a Tuesday morning has been cancelled as she has other stuff she needs to sort out. I said I was writing to the Head (again!) about things that happened during the trip and that we cant let things go on as they have. She said we will have to sort it out in school time (which is fair enough) after I have sent in the letter.

Tuesday 07th May
We (husband signed letter too) wrote to the Head and said that although our daughter enjoyed the school trip, there were some incidents with C, that we felt were not dealt with properly. We also reminded the Head that we had asked for C to be told to stay away from H and commented that either this message has not be conveyed or she is disobeying. We also said that as C has never really been punished for any of what she has done, we asked if there is any incentive for her to stop.

We went on to say that all the action that the school has taken, such as having “Special Circle Time” has not resulted in a cessation of the bullying and harassment and that as our daughter has had to have a lot of time off school, due to being ill through it all, we feel that her education is suffering. We asked for the incidents on the trip to be investigated, for the Head to let us know what the school plans to do to ensure that the incidents stop and what action they will take if it continues. We also asked for a copy of our daughter’s school record.

That morning H did not want to go into school. I gave her a small notebook so that she could make a note of anything that happened. Recently she had found it hard to tell me what was going on during the day – I think she was exhausted by it all. H is brilliant at writing so I thought she may find it easier to write it down and then show me at the end of the day. I also impressed upon her that if anything happens, not only should she write it down but she MUST tell her teacher. I promised her that if she did tell her Teacher or another adult and no action was taken, then we would act on it.

This morning I got into conversation with B’s Mum. B is one of the less emotionally mature members of the class. She is a lovely girl but totally under C’s control. Mum told me that B suffered a lot of tummy pains in Year 4, due to what was going on and C continues to control her daughter. C got in a strop on the Friday before they went on the trip as B had agreed to do a job for one of the Teachers at lunchtime and C did not want her to do it. C refused to speak to B for the rest of the day.

H came out of school OK, but was very tired. She made a note in her book about C deliberately banging into her with a box.

Wednesday 08th May
At first H reluctant to go into school when the bell went but went in without too much fuss. Incident filing into assembly – usually they go in alphabetical order so no problems with who sits next to who, but for some reason did not happen today. H about to sit next to N and then C pushed in. Usual Teachers in a meeting. Part time male Teacher took assembly and the theme was “Love Your Enemy”. It ended with them being told to shake their enemy’s hand – H was really fed up about it and to be honest so was I.

C has started to try to befriend S, who has been so supportive of H and who was bullied by C years ago. H is very upset. Spoke to S’s Mum, who like me can see what is going on. Mum had a word with S and the penny dropped.

Thursday 09th May
Long conversations last night with H, trying to help her not let C see how much she gets to her. H complained of tummy ache again on the way to school this morning, which got worse. She cried and did not want to go in when the bell rang, she was begging to be allowed to stay with me. She did go in with the class and I spoke to the Class teacher. I told her straight that stuff is going on all the time. Teacher said she can’t do anything if she is not told, which is fair enough. I told her that H has given up because she thinks she is not believed and nothing is ever done. I also told her that S has been H’s lifeline and now all of a sudden C is trying to befriend S, when they have never been friends. I also hinted that there is “history” there too. I think that made a bit of an impact.

I let the Head’s Secretary know that I had left H in floods of tears. I was on the verge of tears myself. Subsequently my husband called the school and asked for yet another appointment to see the Head and Class teacher.

That lunchtime the Head called H in to see her and the Class teacher. They discussed the “box” incident with H and also the fact that C was approaching S. They asked H what they thought they should do about the “box” incident, but I never really did find out what her response was. They also said that C can speak to whoever she likes and that they cant stop her. It was a shame that they passed up the opportunity to speak to S about how she felt about being approached by the child who had made her so miserable when she was younger.

Friday 11th May
In desperation I called Kidscape and received some support and advice on a day when I was really low. They told me to clarify with the school what their interpretation of bullying is. They also confirmed that bullies never tell the truth, which made me feel better because I thought maybe I was over reacting about C. They also confirmed that the law says an Anti-Bullying Policy MUST be in place and the school MUST implement it.

I also researched “learned helplessness” , which was the phrase our Doctor was using in relation to our concerns for H. I found this quote:

“Social manipulation can lead to victims feeling helpless and lacking control over
their own feelings and actions”

Dr Stephen Joseph, Psychologist, Warwick University

H was OK coming out of school, although there was an incident in a lesson taken by another staff member. Boy H sat with H and they were enjoying working together. C kept badgering Boy H to go and sit with her and finally he gave in and moved. H did not tell the Class teacher, she said there was no point. I spoke to the Teacher after school and she said she would tell the Head as they were about to have a meeting. Boy H’s Mum has had enough and has told her son she does not want him having anything to do with C and he should stick with his other friends.

Sat/Sun 12th & 13th May
A good weekend but by Sunday evening H anxious and grumpy about going back to school.

Monday 12th May
Received response to letter of 07th May. Basically it was a whitewash and Head said she was satisfied that the incidents on the school trip were dealt with “appropriately”. She said she was concerned that H had a notebook to record incidents and there was a load of other stuff that made it quite clear that she is satisfied with the way they are dealing with things. She also enclosed a copy of H’s school record and what an eye opener that was. Most of the letters and emails aI had written over the previous two years were missing!

Tuesday 15th May and Wednesday 16th May
Meetings both mornings with head and Class Teacher from 8.30 til 9.00. My husband asked the Head if she agreed that our child was being bullied. The response was: “Hmm. That’s a difficult one to answer”. I was gobsmacked.

I also asked if anything had been withheld from our Daughter’s school record, perhaps due to Data Protection issues. The Head seemed surprised and said that everything was there and asked what I thought could be missing. I told her that there was a lot of emails that I had sent into school before she became Head, reporting specific bullying incidents. There was also records of meetings I’d had with the previous Head and other staff. Also meetings our daughter had with the Head and one of the problem girls during Year 3. The Head asked me to let her have copies of the emails.

It was at this point that we realised that neither the Head nor the Class Teacher had ever been properly briefed as to what had gone on in Year 3 and 4!! And when they looked doubtful when I said that this had been going on for at least two years, thankfully I was able to point out a letter that our daughter had written to a staff member two years previously, which proved what I said.

We went through the school’s own definition of bullying as stated in the Anti-Bullying Policy and I pointed out that by their own definition bullying can be defined as doing something to deliberately cause discomfort and upset. By this time I had lost all faith I had in the school to sort things out. So I suggested that we give C the benefit of the doubt. What a joke but you will try anything to make it stop. C had been getting a buzz for over two years seeing how much she hurt and upset our daughter. Anyway. I suggested that the Class teacher speak to C and explain that what she is doing is upsetting H. She should then be given a choice – either she stops, which is what we all want or she continues knowing full well that she is upsetting H, in which case the school can be sure that she is bullying. Both the Head and the Class teacher agreed with my suggestion.

The Head said that she would not get involved at this stage and leave it to the Class teacher to deal with, but she assured us that if C continues then she would not hesitate to deal with it and the parents will be called in.

We also agreed that H and S would go over to the lower school one lunchtime a week to read stories and that C would be encouraged to go with her friends during another lunchtime. That would mean that there would be two lunch-breaks a week when only one of them was in the Junior playground. I said it will be interesting to see if the dynamics in the playground change.
[Note - this lasted all of 2 weeks and the school did not see it through]

During the meeting I also gave the Head a letter from our Doctor. She did not beat around the bush and basically said that there was no point in her trying to treat the symptoms of the stress that H is under if the school failed to treat the cause! She also specifically sated that H is developing “learned helplessness”. She also said “I do not know what training the teachers or other carers at the school have in recognising bullying behaviour but this has devastating effects on children subjected to what individually may seem trivial incidents”. Wow, it was really strong stuff! It also made me feel so much better having our Doctor’s support and she certainly did not pull any punches in the letter.

Thursday 17th May
H told by N that C has started to bully her – exactly what N’s Mum had predicted. N had said in front of another girl that she felt intimidated by C and that girl went and told C. I told H to tell N to tell her Mum.

Friday 19th May
Stopped outside the playground to chat to another Mum and H skipped ahead of me and went in on her own. The first time in absolutely ages that she has done this.

Spoke to teacher at end of the day. Told her about what N had said to H about being bullied – N’s Mum had already been in thank goodness. She also took the opportunity to tell me that no one had told her about anything that had happened on the school trip – despite the fact that all staff who went had been told by the Head to report everything to her. I think that this was her way of telling me that it was not her fault that no one confronted C and she went unpunished.

Tuesday 22nd May
After school activity – C asked to change teams when put in same team as H. H not at all bothered. She is so much happier at the moment. No direct nastiness although other girls overheard C saying that they should mess up some sort of garden that H and friends had made in the playground.

Thursday 29th May
Things have really settled down for H, but yesterday C started sitting next to H and talking to her. H moved away and C followed. H told the teacher who said she would speak to C.

After school G’s Mum told me that her daughter had not had a very good couple of days and that she was going in to complain about C.

Friday 15th June
Rehearsing for a slot at the Summer gathering, H is very quiet and withdrawn. Turns out that once again going into an assembly C is putting pressure on H’s friends to sit with her and not H. Teacher is still in school so I go and find her and she has a chat with H. She said that if her friends support her version of events then she would speak to C.

Monday 18th June
At last a breakthrough! One friend denied any pressure had been put on them but thankfully G admitted there was a problem so at long last there was corroboration from someone else. The Teacher was going to consult the Head before she dealt with C.

Tuesday 03rd July
At last C’s mother was called in to see the Head.

Friday 06th July
H has had a good couple of weeks with no incidents. However, both N and G have had upsets with C and their mothers have been in to school. C was sent to the Head and looked on the verge of tears when she returned. N was also seen by the Head.

N commented that not so many children are playing with C these days. Also Boy H has his lunch with H most days now.

Monday 16th July
S told me that H was crying at break. They had been playing with some of the boys. C came over and said that she wanted to play but that she did not want H to play. Boy L told H that she could not play anymore . It ended up with H in tears and C stomping off in one of her huffs. I asked H to go and tell her teacher, which she did. However, I also phoned the school and asked the Secretary to let the Head know that there had been an incident. The Head spoke to H and Boy L, who admitted that he had not handled the situation very well and apologised to H. However, the Head said that there was no need to speak to C and that H was happy with the outcome. I don’t think so! As I was told the Head was too busy to see me I wrote yet another letter to the Head.

Wednesday 17th July
Yet another letter to the Head about yet another exclusion incident in the playground and saying that in our view if C has been told, as agreed, that her actions are upsetting H then she is clearly bullying and we would like it dealt with as such.

Thursday 18th July
Saw Head at 9am. It is clear that she believes that whatever happened on Monday was not serious. I still disagree as C actively tried to exclude H. She said she would speak to the children involved in yesterday’s incident.

H told me after school that the Head did speak to the children and the last person called in to the office was C. The Head’s reply to my letter was very non-committal and although she said she had “carried out a thorough investigation of the incident” and that she and H “are both satisfied that on this occasion there was no unacceptable behaviour”. The fact is that C interrupted a perfectly pleasant game and then actively encouraged people to go off with her – if that is not unacceptable behaviour after everything that has gone on then I don’t know what is. Can’t wait for the end of term.

Wednesday 05th September
H had a good six weeks off and I feel I have got my little girl back. We went swimming a lot and she spent a lot of time in the pool with Boy H. It was a joy to see the old friendship back on course, with no C around to cause trouble. Boy H said to his Mum that he hoped there would be no more problems when they went back to school.

Over the last couple of days H and I have had a few conversations about how we should not let one person in the class spoil things for us and I think she has taken it on board. She had no problems getting to sleep last night and woke up quite chirpy this morning. She was very happy in the playground before the bell went, chatting with her friends and while she did not speak to her, she was not at all bothered when C arrived.

Friday 21st September
Everything seems to be quiet at school and H is very happy. She was very disappointed to get to the last two for House Captain and then her lovely friend S got it. H is trying to be pleased for S and she did brilliantly to get to the final interview. I found myself feeling sorry for C, who had also put herself forward and did not get it, as she was crying as she came out of school and there were no parents there to give her a hug. She has an experienced Year 6 teacher who knows C’s family VERY well so she knows what she is dealing with and won’t stand for any nonsense.

Conclusions
H’s last year at the school has been the happiest since she was in the lower school. Her Teacher in Year 5 tried her best to sort out the problems with C, but at the same time I felt that at times her sympathy for C, who is obviously quite a disturbed child, affected her judgement about how to handle things. She is also relatively new to the school so had no idea what C’s older sibling was like and had no experience of dealing with the parents. The Father is actually the more reasonable of the two; the Mother is an aggressive, overbearing, bad tempered bully, who gets in a strop very easily. I have witnessed the way she speaks to her daughter and it made me cringe. Other parents have also seen it first hand.

I often ask myself what actually happened to improve the situation and I think it was a combination of things:

The Head – very good at not consigning anything in writing that could possibly be used against the school in any complaints or legal action. Also very good at being extremely careful what she says in conversations. Not once in the 15 months that she was involved, did she ever admit or agree with us that H was being bullied. However, when she had cast iron evidence that something had happened, she dealt with it. Unfortunately, getting undisputable evidence was difficult – see Children, below.

The Class Teacher (Year 5) – tried very hard to help. Experienced teacher who knew exactly what she was taking on when she was allocated the class. However, I think she became exhausted by everything and at times there were flashes of irritation when parents went in to see her. She is very confident and a good teacher but I think it knocked her for six when she realised that all the strategies she had for dealing with the problems actually did not resolve them. She did some good work with the children to teach them about being assertive and I am sure that this had a positive influence on all the children except C.

The Children – in the end they were the key. For a long time, when asked, following incidents, what had happened they would not admit what C had done. They were frightened of being accused of “snitching”. I cannot believe that the school did not suspect that there was a lot of keeping quiet as a result of coercion and intimidation. The consequence of this was that C was frequently not called to account for what she was doing and unless a staff member actually witnessed what was going on then she got away with it.

However, towards the end of Year 5, in June/July 2007, C turned her attention on to other girls, which is exactly what N’s Mum and I predicted would happen. She knew that all the staff in school were on “Red Alert” if she did or said anything to H, so in her desperate need to control and dominate she moved on to other girls. Most of the mothers of the girls in the class knew what had been going on, because their daughters had told them. And finally, at long last Mums started doing what I had begged them for years to do. They started going in and complaining every time there was an incident affecting their girls. They also wrote letters and they also saw the Head.

The Girls Started to Grow Up – most of H’s closest friends are bright and mature for their age. Over the Summer break in 2007, they all did a lot of growing up and when they went back to school in September they all made it quite clear that they were fed up with C and they were not going to stand for any nonsense. No one was horrible to C, no one discussed anything – it all just happened. Within just a few weeks most of the girls evolved into Defenders and were no longer Bystanders.

And what about C?
C is no longer surrounded by a large crowd of acolytes – girls who stuck with her because they were frightened that if they were not in “C’s Crowd” then they would be the next to be targeted. It was a classic bullying scenario and C knew how to exploit it. However, once the girls finally realised that they were being controlled and broke away from her influence, they all were a lot happier for it and it made such a difference to the dynamics in the playground.

During the Autumn term C targeted a child three years younger and was actively encouraging older children to pick on this child. H saw what was going on and told me. I arranged for the child’s mother to be told that something might be going on. I was wary in case I got accused of trying to cause trouble for C. However, the mother called me to tell me that she had a feeling something was not right and when she spoke to her daughter it all came out. C had been making her life a misery at school and it was a good job Mum found out about it when she did. It took one visit to the Head to get it sorted out.

Unfortunately C is moving on to the same senior school as H. The new school is aware of everything that happened as they asked me to take H in so she could tell them about it. I think they were shocked at how long it went on for but not actually surprised it had happened as they know the family.

As the mother of H, she is my main concern but I like to think of myself as a compassionate human being and my heart goes out to C who is an isolated, disturbed child. Goodness knows what has happened to make her like she is. She is 11 years old and I believe she has been failed by so many people who should have done more to help her.

Why My Daughter?
I have read a lot about bullying and the reasons for it. H has always got on with everyone in her class, including the boys and is not one of those children who finds it easy to be horrible to other children, even those she does not like. She certainly would not hit anyone. She is pretty, very funny and does well at school. My husband and I support the school at every opportunity and despite everything that has happened I believe we have a good relationship with all the teachers.

I honestly believe that the main reason is jealousy. In the lower school H always got on with C, who is also a bright and pretty child. She is not as athletic as H and her parents do not have a good relationship with the school. I think that as she got older, C’s own insecurities began to take a hold I think she saw H not only as a rival but someone who had what she wanted but could not have.

And what about H?
H had three years of hell because the adults who were dealing with the situation failed, in my view, to confront it properly when it first started. H kept on being told that she had to tell the teacher or whoever was on duty, if something happened in the playground. She gave up because she felt no one believed her. The children are taught about bullying and how it will not be tolerated, then they see inaction when it happens. I got the distinct impression that because my husband and I are polite and reasonable, even when we are angry or upset, they were comfortable to always speak to us but it was not the case when dealing with C’s parents. There seemed a reluctance to get them involved.

I watched as my lovely, confident, articulate, intelligent, bubbly girl turned into a different person. She became ill, had too much time off school and her attainment suffered as a result. We had to spend the whole of the Easter holidays in 2007 helping her catch up some of the work she missed. She was 7 years old when the trouble started and it was not resolved until she was almost 11. Even now there have been isolated incidents but H has coped, showing a maturity beyond her years. C still gets to her though occasionally and it is during these times that we realise that it may take H years to get over what she suffered.

Her new school is fully aware of what happened. We look on the transfer to Senior School as a new start but at the same time a support system has already been put in place if anything happens. H knows who she can go and talk to. The school has a zero tolerance policy to bullying and they are getting a very good reputation for dealing with it. H and C will not be in the same tutor groups and H is looking forward to not having her “in my face” as she calls it. H got excellent results in her SATS and will be assessed for at least one “Gifted and Talented” programme when she starts the new school.

As for me, I still have days when I am resentful and angry. Do I blame the school – yes, if I am honest I do. I still cannot understand why one child can be allowed to cause so much havoc. Whilst things were bad I was frightened I was “obsessing” about the situation. I got frustrated because other parents who knew what was happening did not go in and report it. So often it was our word against C’s.

The school’s own anti-bullying policy states that any child who says they are being bullied will be believed. H felt she was not believed – she still feels that. H did not want to go to school. I had to make her. As a parent all you want to do for your children is “make it better”. We couldn’t, no matter how much we tried and it was hard not to feel a total failure as a mother. The whole situation was a nightmare and not only did it make H ill, but there were days when I thought I would crack up.

As a result of our experiences and all the research I did, I have summarised the action that I think all parents should take the moment they have a suspicion that their child is being bullied. You can find this at Bullying At Primary School. I also talk about the group dynamics and how “Bystanders” can often be the key to helping resolve the situation.

I hope you find my Squidoo lens helpful as it also gives links to other websites and resources. I just hope that you are not suffering like we did and if you are I hope you get the help and support you need to “make it better” for your child. Our lovely girl did not deserve what happened to her – no child does.